The Double Side - October 5
At first I ignored the uncomfortable reaction I felt. Eventually I had to confront the conflicting emotions rolling around in my head and threatening to take over my heart. How could I possibly embrace joy on the day that is held apart to mark my greatest source of sorrow? My youngest daughter and her husband were about to deliver their miracle baby and it was going to be on the date of my only son’s death. Of course I was thrilled about this new life and answer to prayer. Of course I wanted to celebrate and rejoice with them, but my heart felt a heavy weight at having to share this date.
Even after 12 years, I never know for sure how my grief will affect me.
I give myself permission to reserve “that day” on the calendar to let myself truly feel the sadness and loss without trying to explain or understand it. This is my space, my time, my loss, and I don’t want to be forced to let it go.
But babies come at God’s appointed time. As labor stretched through the evening and midnight turned the calendar to October 5, I cried. This date was no longer just for me to honor my sorrow, but now it would be a day to celebrate and rejoice. I felt drained, disappointed, and like a very defeated Christian. Couldn't I rise above the past and embrace the blessings of the future? Was I really so spiritually weak that I honestly wanted to cherish my sorrow? Even now I feel very vulnerable sharing this because it sounds selfish and I feel as if I should know better.
As I prepared to head to the hospital and praised God for a safe and healthy delivery of a beautiful baby boy, the Holy Spirit whispered a familiar verse from Job to my inner being.
It seeped through my spirit and into my heart and mind in a refreshing and renewing way. Before this verse seemed so matter of fact, harsh, but now, it was ministering God’s grace and goodness in a very personal way.
“The Lord gave, (John Carter Glenn 10/05/22) and
the Lord has taken away; (James Franklin Harrison IV 10/05/10)
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
(Job 1:21)
Job fell to the ground and worshiped with these words after news arrived that all of his children were dead! I could sense the supernatural peace of God begin to fill my heart in preparation to meet my 9th grandchild. Joy and excitement began to creep across my emotional radar screen.
I knew it was the faithfulness of my God who desires to bring me to a new place in my grief journey.
Don’t misunderstand. I didn't expect others to put a hold on the date. But October 5 was mine, ALL mine, to use as I pleased. It was my time to remember without guardrails, to cry without a spigot, to nurse the loss of my beautiful boy.
I forgot James was never mine. The date in time was not exclusively mine … my grip was being pried off. Not to hurt me even though it is painful. but rather to offer another layer of healing. I am not being asked to choose Either … Or … but instead to embrace Both … And …
Loss and Gain
Sorrow and Joy
Death and Life
The minute I took this precious gift of life into my arms, he came into my heart. I realized God was not asking me to share this space, he wanted to do so much more for me.
He wanted to expand my heart to embrace more of His presence, more of His goodness and mercy, and more of His great love for me. Expanding our family, stretching our reach, lengthening the cords of our tent, and strengthening our pegs (Isaiah 54:2) is His plan.
With my precious
grandchildren, Kru
and Johnny.
The minute I took this precious gift of life into my arms, he came into my heart. I realized God was not asking me to share this space, he wanted to do so much more for me.
He wanted to expand my heart to embrace more of His presence, more of His goodness and mercy, and more of His great love for me. Expanding our family, stretching our reach, lengthening the cords of our tent, and strengthening our pegs (Isaiah 54:2) is His plan.
